Letting yourself feel

"Things that once appalled us now have become commonplace. We have heard so much evil that it doesn't bother us anymore."

The horrific acts of violence in today's world have been ignored. Maybe because talking about them is uncomfortable, or because we don't want to accept reality. Ignoring acts of violence does not make them go away. Abortion kills 115,000 people worldwide every single day. It is the leading cause of death. You may have heard these statistics before, or maybe you have not. Many of us when hearing terrifying truths such as this are horrified and then choose to move on and bring our minds to something else. 

As a big pro-life activist, I myself have become desensitized to the tragedy of abortion. I have seen dozens of pictures of aborted babies, seen women leave abortion clinics after killing their children and have read books written by former abortionists. I know in my head and my heart that abortion is wrong but many times I fail to let myself grieve for these babies, women and men.

This morning at mass there was a beautiful 4 week old baby girl that was baptized. I immediately felt pain in my heart for all of the babies of similar size that are aborted everyday. Their lives are not spared. I held back tears as long as I could manage, even after congratulating the family on welcoming their child into the kingdom of God and allowing their child to receive such a beautiful sacrament. Then it just hit me. The reality of abortion and human life. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I began to cry. Life is such a precious thing, yet we ignore the acts of violence that take it away. We choose to separate ourselves from that reality because we don't want to feel the pain. We try to convince ourselves that these acts of violence are just another part of the news, just another statistic, just another tragedy....but this is not what it truly is. It's human life- being ripped away by instruments every second of every day, because of the so called "woman's right to choose." Because "it's not a human being yet," "it's not viable outside of the womb yet," "it shouldn't intrude on a woman's body because she doesn't want it there"-- all of these statements have desensitized us! They have caused us NOT to FEEL! These statements do not make the situation better. Ignoring these horrifying statistics does not save babies and does not educate others on the sanctity of life. 

This morning when I allowed myself to feel, it was a very painful thing; a very painful thing. But a very beautiful thing. The priest this morning talked with me after mass because he liked my pro-life shirt I was wearing. I immediately started telling him about the burden on my heart this morning after seeing the little girl to be baptized and how so many babies lives are not spared- the tears just kept flowing. I typically do not like to cry in public because I feel it is a weakness. Today I did not feel such a thing. The priest told me "If more people allowed tears to flow for abortion like you do, it wouldn't be such a big problem." 

Ephesians 5:1 says, Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children

God did not ignore injustice- he spoke the cold hard truth. Let us allow ourselves to feel the pain of abortion and other injustices. To let ourselves FEEL and not hide ourselves from the reality of violence. Let us be inspired by the Truth and to ACT according to this. To help inspire others to let themselves feel and not be desensitized. And in response to do good works to change things. To speak out against abortion, to educate ourselves by reading books and watching documentaries, to pray outside of abortion clinics, etc.

Ignorance is NOT bliss. It is simply an escape from a harsh reality that will eventually catch up with ourselves once we allow ourselves to feel. 

Not a burden, but a blessing

One of the most beautiful friends that I have is Michelle Miller. She is the epitome of inner beauty. She is generous, kind, compassionate and knows how to cherish everything God has given her. She doesn't blame the Lord for things that may slow her down.

I was having a great chat with Michelle a few weeks ago. She was talking about how grateful she is for her learning disabilities. Now you might be thinking...who would say something like this? But after talking with Michelle it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my entire life.

Michelle believes that she would not be the incredibly kind hearted person she is today, without her disabilities. What one would consider a burden, Michelle embraces as a blessing. 

As I reflected on our conversation, I realized that some setbacks that I have had in life have helped me out in the long run. I've become a more empathetic person after dealing with depression for 3 years. I've always been what I consider a good friend, but was never able to connect with people when faced with extremely painful events. 

Now that I've experienced painful events as well as a mood disorder, I find myself not only being able to better connect with others but more willing to. I find myself reaching out to others rather then waiting for them to come to me. I am using what some call a burden, as a blessing- to help others. 

Let's learn to embrace all of the difficulties the Lord has presented us with and maybe we will uncover a gift~ 

John 16:33 I have told you these things so that you would find comfort in Me. In this world, you will suffer; but be courageous, for I have overcome the world!

Neglecting His presence

Jesus is always with us, we just choose to neglect his presence. Over the past few weeks, I have felt an emptiness inside that I have been trying to avoid. I realize now that I was neglecting my relationship with God. It's a hard thing to admit to one's self. Humans are flawed and humans don't like admitting to sin.


It's easy to feel that God is not with you and that you are all alone. But is this the case? Of course not!


Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
This past weekend I experienced an enormous weight lifted off of my shoulders. I was preparing for audition day for a show I'm directing this summer with my non-profit Shooting Starz Productions. I was running behind on the tasks I needed to accomplish and had some unexpected road blocks presented in front of me that day. I did not panic or become anxious like I normally would be with so many changes in plans. I was surprised at how I handled every conflict that came my way. I look back and know that Jesus was right there with me the entire time.

His grace is more than enough. I do not deserve it, but He gives it to me anyway and continues to bless me over and over again. The most beautiful thing about Jesus is that no matter how many times we neglect him, He never leaves us! Let's learn how to be a better friend to Jesus and to carry more weight in the relationship. So when we fail and neglect the Lord we must pick ourselves up again and open our Bibles, evangelize, do good works, go to mass, etc.

John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.~ For the Lord has already come to us, now it's our job to pick up our cross and follow Him.

God is there- even when you feel empty inside

So the past week or so I've been feeling really empty inside. I've been feeling lonely, exhausted and bored with life. We've all been through stages like this- maybe it's situational, maybe it's the weather, who knows? 

Sometimes we blame God. But putting blame on God doesn't make you feel any better. And God does not ever purposefully make us feel miserable. God has done such amazing things for us! Just take a look at yourself in the mirror! God created you to be a beautiful and unique human being! Look back at all of the times that you didn't think you'd make it through.You're still here! :) 

Despite my negative feelings, I am very thankful for this week! I have a large cast of 20 registered for the musical I am directing this summer with my non-profit organization Shooting Starz Productions! The largest cast our organization has ever had was 14 and that was 3 years ago. I prayed for new kids and God gave me that gift. I am still amazed and feel sad when I get phone calls or emails and have to turn away other interested families because our cast is full. 

Another amazing way God has worked in my life is by helping me bring MTV stars Catelynn and Tyler to St. Cloud State University campus. I am the Vice President of the pro-life group on our campus, SCSU for Life. I started working on bringing Catelynn and Tyler to campus in January as an event for SCSU for Life. Our event happened last night. It as a HUGE success. We had a full auditorium and the beautiful message of life and adoption was shared along with their personal stories. I loved getting to meet Catelynn and Tyler and find out what amazing individuals they are. Although they are famous from 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, they are normal people who are doing amazing things for teens all over the U.S. It was heartwarming to see how down to earth they are. So many pictures were posted after the event and so many students were touched by their story and were thankful that they got to come to our university. Their adoption counselor Dawn Baker, is a big inspiration to me. I am now going to look into adoption counseling as a future career. 

When I woke up this morning , I realized I felt empty yet again. God has blessed my life over and over and yet I don't feel joyful or happy lately! I could wallow in self pity, or I could pray and continue on with my life. It can be difficult, but we have to remind ourselves that God is always with us! 

We have all made it through many trials and we're still here! We can make it through even more by His grace! 

The book that has changed my life~

As a young woman who has suffered with depression and self-esteem, I know how hard it can be to be single. Many women who are single feel alone and worthless- but this of course in not the case!! 

God's love for us is so intimate and unconditional! No human love can compare! So you may be thinking Are you crazy? An intimate relationship with God?!?!? At first I thought this was far-fetched as well. But one book has changed the way I see love. 

My friend Angela gave me this book a month ago and I cannot stop raving about it. It is called Theology of Her Body/Theology of His Body by Jason Evert. It describes the beauty of man and the beauty of woman and how to live the life of greatness that God has destined for you. This book has touched my heart in a way that no other book has before. It feels like God wrote it just for me! 

In the foreword of the woman's portion of the book it says "It seems to me that women very often find it difficult to embrace the gift of their femininity because of wounds caused by men who have failed to honor them" --almost every woman I know has been hurt or taken advantage of by a man. This is not to say that all men exhibit these behaviors. But unfortunately many do. But not all hope is lost!! There is true love out there ladies!

I learned 4 key things from this book: 

1) A woman is a mystery to be revealed

"When a woman veils her body with modest clothing, she is not hiding herself from men. On the contrary, she is revealing her dignity to them. A woman's body is not unapproachable. Rather, she is opened only to the one who is worthy to enter." As a woman I am worth pursuing. God shows each of us this by simply getting to know Him! When we take time to read our Bibles, pray and attend church services we are rewarded with His love and feeling His presence. Many of us know that this can take a lot of time and patience, however. But it is all SO worth it!! 

"Instead of looking for the ideal man, become the ideal woman and let him look for you" ~

2) Relationships

"A woman of God is more than single. She's singular. Instead of defining herself by what she lacks- a relationship with a man- she defines herself by what she has; a relationship with God" What a beautiful quote!

One should first have a good relationship with God.God is always faithful and true! He will never fail you! Many women place their trust in men when they can't even place their trust in the Lord. If we cannot trust our creator, how on earth can we place our trust in a human who is flawed? 

"Without a foundation of God's love, a woman is far more likely to fall for men who are unable to love her as God does" 

3) Women are a beauty to be unveiled

Women are a reflection of heaven's beauty! No wonder men can't take their eyes off of us! If you are struggling with appreciation for your appearance- remember that God created you in His image. 

4) The mission of the woman

"The closer you get to Him, the more you will become yourself" - This thought hold so true! In the past I was attracted to men that were fun and sweet but didn't have a relationship with God. The more I place God at center, the better I am getting to know myself and what God wants for me! I am becoming attracted to completely different personalities than in the past. 

As women, we are called to grow close to God and he will send us a soulmate or lead us to a chaste life. If we place our trust in Him and go to Him for love, we will not be steered wrong!

Love does not mean having a romantic relationship. Love is any action or relationship that reflects God. You are never alone. Jesus is always with you! <3 

I encourage you all to read this book and soak up the truth about love. As for you men, I hope that you can find fulfillment in the men's section of this book~ 

Immigration Service Trip

I was privileged to go on a service trip to Arizona and Mexico with Newman Christ Church in St. Cloud MN over spring break. My eyes were opened to the realities of immigration law and the border wall between Mexico and the United States. Going into the trip I did not know what to expect at all. I definitely was not prepared for the emotional toll the trip was going to place on my heart. Although the trip was weight on my heart at times, my eyes were opened to Christ everywhere.

In the Gospel John 20:19-31, the disciples are in fear of being persecuted and arrested by those who crucified Jesus. Jesus comes to them and says “Peace be with you” This response that Jesus gives them says so much in just a few simple words. “Peace be with you” The disciples have a choice. They can act on their feelings of hatred and anger towards those who persecuted Jesus or they can choose to be peaceful and forgive.

While on this service trip I experienced an enormous amount of peace, love and forgiveness. On the second night our group was in Arizona we got to hear a presentation from a group called Scholarships A-Z. It is an organization started by college students that connects undocumented students to educational  scholarships. After hearing about the organization the students then shared with us their personal stories about crossing the border from Mexico to Arizona. One story in particular really touched me. A young man named Dario shared his difficult journey through life and all of the uncertainty and fear that goes along with it. He praised his parents and talked about how hard they have worked to provide for him and the rest of his family. They crossed the border when he was young so they could live a better life. Dario and his family live a life of such uncertainty. His parents could be detained at any time and his family could be ripped apart. Dario could choose to act out in anger. But instead he is working hard to help other students in his situation and is doing such amazing things. Recently Scholarships A-Z helped make tuition available to undocumented students through the memorandum DACA which stands for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. This group of students have been such an inspiration to me and I have seen Christ work through all of them.

On the fourth day we went to an agency in Mexico called Groupos Beta. It is an agency that offers basic services including shelter and food to migrants in Mexico. We spoke with some of the migrants that had just been deported back to Mexico after crossing the border into the U.S. A few of us got to speak with a 17 year old boy who had just gotten back from crossing the border. We asked him who he crossed the border with and he responded “The only person that was with me was God.” As we continued talking with him he expressed his concern for our safety. His kindness was so surprising to me.

As a United States citizen I am extremely blessed to be able to cross the border with almost no questions asked yet this boy has to risk being caught by border patrol and death in the desert to get into the United States. His worries in my eyes are abundant yet he showed heartfelt concern and kindness toward us. Jesus Christ was present in his heart and after this experience he is even more present in my heart. How can Jesus Christ be present in your heart this Easter season?

My will or God's will?

John 7:17 If anyone’s will is to do God’s will, he will know whether the teaching is from God or whether I am speaking on my own authority.

I had a great discussion with friends tonight about the future, marriage, children etc. All of us have spent time fantasizing about the future and what we'd like it to look like. Some of us have even come up with a timeline of when these events should take place. 

But have we ever stopped to ask "Is this what God wants?" 

I know we all are aware of our wants and desires. But if they do not glorify God then what is the use? Even if they will glorify God, how do we know if this is His plan?

As a college student I am constantly asked "What do you want to study?" "What do you want to do with your life?" "What will make you happy?"
It is not surprising in this individualistic and secular society that these questions revolve around what each individual wants. What about what God wants? Shouldn't this take precedence above our own desires?

Going into college I wanted to be an actress. I wanted attention and I wanted to be happy. A few years later, I am much wiser. I have been praying for discernment about what God wants for my life. He made it clear to me about 8 months ago that I am to devote my life to the pro-life movement. It is so incredibly amazing to know that I am starting to follow God's path for my life! 

As far as other things go, lately I've neglected to ask God what He wants me to do. I know in my heart that if one follows God's will rather than one's own, happiness at a greater level than one knows will result. 

I have really begun to open my heart to the Lord, surrendering my whole heart to Him. And I am experiencing a happiness I never had before.

Dating Jesus- Wait what?!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me~ Philippians 4:13 

This past weekend I participated in a triathlon with a friend as a team. I am by no means an incredibly fit person or someone that could be considered an athlete. I have been pushing myself little by little to become physically stronger.

As I got on the bike to compete I was excited! I asked God for strength and endurance and prayed to Him as I pedaled. The first 10 minutes in I was going at a good pace of about 90 RPMs and then increased from there. Toward the end I was pushing 120 RPMs, I felt like I was going really fast! In the end I biked 15.6 miles in 30 minutes! I had gone 31.2 mph on average....HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? A girl who hasn't trained much at all for this race is able to go as fast as a car in a school zone....for 30 min. straight? Jesus was clearly present I tell you! 

 As I got off the bike my lower half felt pretty rock solid, almost numb. I felt really great that my brain did not interfere and tell me that I could not finish (like it has several other times). 

As I waited for the results I felt surprisingly strong. Strong in mind, body and soul. The results came in and my friend and I won 2nd place. I could not believe it! In the past I'd read the verse from Philippians, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, as a means of affirming His presence. After this experience I feel amazed when I read the verse! I no longer feel doubts in the Lord! 

As the day continued, I was able to attend an intense Zumba class as well as play floor hockey with friends after mass. I felt like a crazy person, pushing myself physically like never before. Although I am extremely sore while writing this, I am extremely happy! 

Today while having lunch with a friend, he brought up the concept of dating Jesus. At first it sounded so odd and almost wrong! But as I listened to him elaborate it seemed so incredibly beautiful. Giving your heart completely to Him and having the Lord as center, the most important relationship one could have, what could be more beautiful? 

I, like many other women, have fallen into the trap of feeding off of acceptance from people as a means of evaluating one's self. I've used failed friendships and relationships as a means of reflecting my value. God is who we should look to for acceptance!  

1 Samuel 16:7 
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

This past month I have read Theology of Her Body and Theology of His Body by Jason Evert. It has changed me. I now know what true love is! This past month I have been giving my heart to the Lord, rather than to men. It has been hard to accept being single. I have recently found the beauty in my singleness and want to "date" Jesus. I want to have an intimate and true love with the creator- I know that He will not leave me or let me down! 

I have put my trust in the Lord and he has not disappointed! Nothing is impossible without Jesus and there is no greater love than the Lord. Give your whole heart to the Lord and you will not be disappointed. You will be fulfilled!

I Surrender Lord

There are times where we take God for granted. We get sucked into the busy-ness of this world and end up neglecting our creator. 

This week I fought a heavy stress that depleted all of my energy and joy. In planning a large event with TV stars to come to my college campus and speak about the beauty and importance of adoption, something went wrong. In the middle of the first big promotion day the plans fell through with the actors; the event needed to be postponed. I could not believe that something so difficult would be thrust upon my shoulders. I was in denial for hours and my mind was racing. How was I going to reverse all of the advertising I had just done? 

I did everything I could to slow down and not make any rash decisions. After a nights rest I felt more at peace about how the following day had turned out. I have to trust in the Lord and know that He will be with me at all times. I went to mass and felt joy from the Lord! I felt renewed and knew that God had my back and has had my back this entire time.

Today however I felt dead to the world. I felt extreme exhaustion and did not feel like myself. I had let stress get the best of me and I realized that God was calling me to want Him. I had not opened my Bible all week and the Lord was seeking me out. After being encouraged by a friend to read my Bible until I felt better, I opened up the word and began to read. 

But where would I start? I knew I was feeling stress, sadness, emptiness, exhaustion, etc. So I opened up to Psalms. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to speak to me through His word. I then began to turn to other books to find comfort. After reading parts of The Song of Songs, Jeremiah, John, Matthew, etc. I felt as though I was doing something wrong. I did not feel the word relating to how I felt. I wanted something that would speak to me and comfort me. I continued to try and find some bit of hope. After an hour of reading I decided to stop. I was extremely frustrated and I surrendered to God saying that I need you and I am open to you. I am longing to hear your voice. 

I know that God is present even if I cannot hear Him. I am using this struggle of mine to help humble myself and seek Jesus for strength and praise. I have neglected His word this week. Maybe my frustration is for my own good? Maybe God is trying to get me to search for Him and to try harder. I surrender to the Lord and encourage you to do so as well. I am letting Him be in control and will trust Him. Do not be anxious about uncertainty because the Lord is good and you can trust Him. 
~Matthew 11:28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. My life is far from perfect, yet is extraordinarily beautiful and filled with God's grace! I strive to live my life according to His will and pray for discernment often. I want to be a light to others so that they may learn to live their lives with the appreciation and joy that I do! I have been through a lot in my life and thank the Lord for giving me the strength to move past all of the hurt. 

This morning I awoke with a strong feeling of anxiousness. I believe the Lord is calling me to His attention. So I will open my Bible and soak up his word and be comforted by Him. I pray that you do the same. I am so excited to start a blog to share my experiences and help others to live a holy life!